Gods, I'm tired of listening to myself whine and whine... But I don't really have a choice, because I know I'm going to keep on doing so.
I honestly don't want to live anymore. When I think of dying (which is pretty much constantly now), there are a few things that pang about not living anymore. Yes, there would definitely be things I would miss... But they dwarf in comparison with the things I want, the things I NEED to get away from.

What is never seeing the beauty of a vast open field compared to the emptiness I feel inside?
What's the smile on Jane's lips worth if I can't enjoy it?
What's playing music, roleplaying my characters and listening to the wind flowing through the lush green leaves of high trees if you don't have someone to experience them with?
Nothing in the world can quell the fire that burns inside every time I think of the way we were - every time I read old ICQ logs... She told me I was her reason to live - that I saved her life. How can you go from that into not loving me anymore - HOW?

I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into my little well, and I desperately want out - I desperately want to see the sun again. Oh Belenos, oh Brighid...


- posted by Anony @ 7:00 AM

 
For some reason, as I wrote previously, the depression returned - even when I'd thought I was over it. It's dark, cold and lonely. I can't really tell anyone of the depths of it, for obvious reasons, and that makes it an even heavier burden to bear.
I am out of tears. There just aren't anymore left. I feel sad enough to burst, but I just can't do it - which makes me even sadder. Why can't I cry? I just want to put my head against a pillow and weep, but I can't get the tears to flow.
Distractions don't seem to work anymore, because they're no longer able to distract me. I enjoy them, but I can't stop thinking of her even when I perform them. I'm not even able to write more than this, because I'm overcome with a sense of depression and loss, and can't think of anything else.
So... this time it's short.

- posted by Anony @ 1:22 AM

 
Why I created this Blog:
I have another Blog where I post my name and let anyone (including people I know) read. I hardly use it, because most of the things I want to write are private and I don't want people I know to read them.
I'm having a rough time recently, and need to express my feelings - but for some reason I find only addressing them to myself difficult. So I'm posting them here.
I honestly doubt anyone would be reading this, and if they will - I doubt it'd be regularly. I don't really care, I just need an outlet - even if there's no one on the other side.

So, here's my first post:


Be careful what you wish for, the cliche goes. Well, I was sitting around today - feeling rather well. And then, as usually happens lately - I thought back on the breakup. This time though, I didn't think back on it with complete and utter sadness, I thought back on it with serenity. As if I were starting to get over it at last.
This brought a different line of thinking. It made me sad that I can actually think of it with serenity. It made me sad that I've reached the point where it no longer hurts. And then, the whole flow of emotions returned. Somehow, by missing those emotions - I've opened the gate again. And now it seems to me as if I'm even more miserable and sad than I was when those emotions initially arrived. Only this time I don't have the comfort of thinking it will all blow over eventually - this time, I know what'll happen if it'll even start "blowing over".
I'm in a pit, in a dark well of oblivion. And I seem to be sinking deeper and deeper. I've looked in the DSM and found that I exhibit four signs of depression. Two signs mean mild depression, and five mean chronic depression. At least I'm not there yet - whoopy.
I've contemplated suicide again. This is the second time I've seriously thought about killing myself in the past two weeks - and it's getting harder and harder to find counter arguments. I seem to be losing the will to find counter-arguments.
I just don't really have anything to live for anymore. Jane was it - she was everything for me. She was the one thing that kept me going through all the shit that my life has become recently. Even recently when things were on the rocks with the two of us - the mere thought of her being there made me feel all right.
I do, of course, have other things in life that interest me. Other things that I can keep myself busy with - but they aren't more than that. They're distractions, hollow - empty. I enjoy myself while I perform them, but I don't stay awake at night thinking how lucky I am to have them... Oh Gods.
I think the only actual counter-argument to suicide that I have right now is that there are worse forms of existence. I'm definitely not in a "anywhere but here" place right now. Life sucks, I hate it - and I actively want it to end... But I'm afraid of what might come after them - of what other life I might encounter.
That's it then - I'm afraid. How pathetic - the only reason I don't do something to better my predicament is the fact that I'm afraid.
I don't hate myself, I actually rather like myself, to be honest. I like who I am and what I've become - I just hate the situation I'm in right now - and I don't think it'll ever end... not at this rate. That's why I'm afraid - I'm afraid of becoming something else I wouldn't like.

- posted by Anony @ 2:11 PM